A line from a new country song I heard the other day keeps running through my head - "I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much."                  I am debating whether or not that is true. I have reached the point where I can't cry any more - not that I have cried so much that there are no tears left - no, this is different. I physically can't seem to produce any tears - or maybe my mind is working super-hard to prevent them - after all, the mind is a powerful thing. The events of the day should have made me happy, but it's funny how one tiny little comment that is overheard can shift my perspective in a completely different direction. I left with my heart pounding, my mind racing, and my face flushed (of course, none of this was obvious to anyone else, I'm still a pretty good actress)- but no tears would come. It's as if my mind has somehow convinced my eyes that tears are useless - but in a way, I would welcome the tears - at least the stirring in my heart would feel more justified. Somehow, somewhere along the way my head must have accepted that this is the way it will always be - but my heart still screams with all it has that "THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!!"  

Currently Reading Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul By John Eldredge, Stasi Eldredge see related

I am reading this new book that, halfway through chapter one, already has me hooked. Here is an excerpt that I found rather meaningful:

                      Unseen, Unsought, and Uncertain

" I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of faiing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abondoned and alone.

"After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought- that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - unceratin what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

 "Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

At least the calendar says it's Christmas - it really doesn't feel like it. I haven't been into the "Christmas spirit" (decorations, santa, etc.) since my nephews were young (SEVERAL years ago). I mean I'm not sad or depressed or anything like that, and I know Christmas is about celebrating Jesus' birth - but I do that everyday, so this time of year doesn't feel a lot different than any other time of year (except it's cold out here in the middle-of-nowhere-southern-tennessee!). So, no one get mad at me, I'm not saying i don't like Christmas =) If you know me, I hope there is no doubt that I love Jesus and am eternally thankful for His gift to us!

So, i had a lot of time to think and listen to "sappy love songs" (that's all i could find on the radio and changing cds at 80 miles an hour is not usually a good idea) while i was driving to my mom's, and you know what? - as crazy and illogical as it sounds, i still love the boy and i still think we belong together. So far, there has been absolutely nothing to make me think otherwise (well, except his disagreement with my point of view - but hey, we can't all be on the same wavelength all the time). But, my feelings and opinions aside, I have realized the amount of stress and confusion and overanalysis that I have put myself through over the past few months, and it's a miracle that I still have any shred of sanity (yes, i know that's debatable).

God really smacked me in the face with the whole trust issue today. I keep saying that it's all up to God, but I have been living like it's all up to me - I have tried desperately to remain in control while all the time claiming that God is sovereign. Well, I can't have it both ways - I keep "laying it on the altar" and telling God that I trust Him, and once again I found myself "surrendering the situation" to God this morning and "laying it as His feet." And, I absolutely love when God responds, but when He replies with "do you intend to leave it here and let Me handle it this time?" - OUCH!!

So, yeah - as much as i love him, deeper and more intensely than I ever imagined possible and as much as I think we should be together - i love God more and want a relationship with Him more and I want His will more.

Wow, that was a long late-night ramble! God bless those of you who have put up with the love-related ramblings for the past several months - Most of you probably want to knock some sense into me, but you all cover so well with your sweet smiles and encouraging words- you guys are awesome!

Merry Christmas! I love you all!